The Today Show:(is on tv at the Y)
This morning had a show on how to be green.  Well, that's great... I mean who doesn't need suggestions for that?  I'm working out on the eliptical and I turn off my headphones and watch.
1. Adorable bangle bracelets made of Mango trees from Thailand!
2. Organic Toms!
3. bikinis made of recycled bottles!
4. more bracelets, this time made of hemp!
ooo ooo ooo!  So green!

Well, for Fuck's sake.  You have got to be kidding me.

Now I'm no perfect green mama, but I'm pretty sure the online ordering, packaging and shipping that would be entailed for those MangoTree bracelets negates the "greeness " of the mango trees.

Today Show, how about you actually give us some GOOD and USEFUL hints.
For instance, cook meals from scratch, don't tell me you don't have time, you do.
Buy non petroleum based laundry soap.  It's easy and yes, a little more expensive... but less $ than those hemp bracelets.
Don't buy all your clothes new.  There is no point.  Hit goodwill, consignment shops, etc... cheaper and reusing.
Cloth diapers.  Reusable water bottles.  Public transportation.  One car family.  Bicycle.  Smaller house.  Not poisons on your lawn.  Local grocery shopping.  Local shopping in general.  No big box stores. Garden. I mean... these are couple of things.  Turn off your lights, turn down the heat and up the AC (like do you enjoy your house at 68 degrees, really?  EW).
Ok  I know I sound pissy and snobby.  Lets make something clear... I could do so much more than I do... BUT...
going green is NOT about buying.  It's about changing the way we think... baby steps in what we have and do already.

Ok  Rant over.

'I can't support my own family. I never have been able to. There are so many of you. But You're all so delicious."

Because I'm thinking of you

So this week I'm remembering the 1987 Pan Am games... An absolutely terrible year for my mom, sister, brother and I.  It makes me think of this. 

(Hey, don't knock Taylor Swift, this song rocks.)

I will tell you, there are many days that my life is so blissful, so content, challenging, yet wonderful -- that I can hardly believe my luck.  Days when I don't mind the struggles, or I am proud of them.  they way we have build a life of love and joy when we could have chosen bitterness.
Sometimes I look at these 5 kids and I'm so goddamn grateful I can't stand it.

(see, don't we look sweet and blissful?)

This is not one of those days.  This is one of those days that I pretty sure I raising serial killers. Today and yesterday, for that matter, I can't figure out what in fucking Hell I'm doing wrong that they scream and whine at me instead of talking.  Why they beat their siblings over the head with train tracks.  And they don't care.
WHY no matter if I plead or bribe or speak sweetly, they only way to get them to help out is to get mad. (okay, thats not always true, but IT FEELS THAT WAY TODAY).
I try to be a good mother, I do.  And there is simply no way I can't feel responsible.  I'm the one who teaches them right and wrong.  I am the one who is suppose to help them learn to be kind, thoughtful members of society, instead of entitled little brats.  But today (and yesterday) al I can see is how I'm failing at it.
Seriously, they are devils. They are mean and heartless and LOUD .  So LOUD I can't stand it.  They make mess after mess after mess. They whine whine whine.
I do love them  I am grateful for my life.  But today, I'm just fed the fuck up.

Ps.  I came back to this after discovering Alice and Fra had painted themselves and the sink and the floor with nailpolish, Fra had smashed all the blown eggs that Asher and Emmet had dyed and someone had crunched handfuls of crackers into my cup of water.

Right Now I really want to beat those little monsters butts.  I think if I have one redeeming quality as a parent it is that I have left room instead of of beating them.  In case you are wondering.  I spend a lot of fucking time just cleaning up.  Picking up.  I'm worn out .  I'm sad because I don't know what to do.  I'm overwhelmed.  I wish I could end this in some sort of eloquent way but I can't .  All I can see is the abject failure of me as a parent.

Today I will embrace the happiness that is work I love, a garden erupting with joy, my loud and delightful children, my adoring and patient husband, my own beautiful.  I will not give in to fear and angst.  I will revel in my life, with it's struggles because they are MINE.  They shape me and make me stronger, hopefully kinder, more tolerant, more patient.
I will focus on the greatness of today and my faith in the future.
Today will be a good day.