Wednesday, September 5, 2012

My body in question

Things to talk about.
I only love my body at my home.  I try to prepare myself.  I look at my attractiveness, my beautiful unruly hair, my lovely curves.  I am not skinny.  Right now I'm not even very fit, although I know that is temporary.
But my curves are delicious and attractive.
I have learned to wear clothes that show my legs!  A huge step for me.
But as soon as walk out the door I become less in my own head.  Dowdy.  Chubby.  Thick waisted.
I am afraid to act as though I am proud or strong for fear someone will think I believe I am beautiful.
But I am.  I am beautiful.
I wish I could believe it and let go of the rest.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Sometimes I get really tired of the current American attitude toward bodies.
I just got thrown off FaceBook.  Again.  For this image.

Go ahead.  Tell me there are perverts out there.  I know.  Trust me, I know.  But this isn't where they are getting their jollies.  On my personal FB site that is so locked down on privacy that only my friends can see my pics.
And let's talk about the fact this image was reported by friend.  Because... why?
Tell me this isn't an image of just joy and innocence.  

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Moroccan Preserved Lemons--YUM!

Okay, a friend posted this from the great blog,  Nourished Kitchen , about making Preserved Lemons... I had to make them.  And after a super fun trip toSaraga Grocery.. . in which my kids saw all sorts of foods they had never seen... (those are NOT potatoes)

and I took a ton of iphone pics...

and got new holy candles... 

well.. Let's just say my kitchen smells GREAT... and my hands are really soft.  :)... now I have to wait 3-4 weeks to eat them.
Easy to make, sea salt and lemons( and/or limes).

How freakin' pretty is that!

Thursday, May 3, 2012

In which I rant again and also post a naked pic of myself.

So I recently posted on FB this :

Ok my friends. It is time to just stop this business and freaking LOVE our beautiful bodies already. It is breaking my heart the way we (I include myself) beat up and insult ourselves. Repeat after me... my body is strong and beautiful and sexy. Now everytime you say in your head, "I'm fat" replace it with that.
Start-- NOW

So people respond like crazy... I know some of my friends think it was aimed directly at them, and certainly I was thinking of some recent conversations I had with woman... But this is an old refrain.  We hate our bodies.  Too skinny, too fat, too flat , too big.... now I like working out, I like feeling strong and healthy.  and I'm all about goals for strength and good health and good endorphins.
But this self hate.  It is terrible.  It is tragic.  I know woman of every shape and size... and they use terrible, cruel heartless words on themselves.  Words they would never use on anyone else.

Now I'm going to tell you a secret.  I love my body.  I love my rounded tummy.  My I'vehad5kids breasts.  My unruly hair.  My yogabutt. My pretty feet.  My small wrists. My ugly, capable hands.  My strong dimpled thighs.  I love how I smell, both clean and dirty.  I love the c section scar that means my fifth baby didn't die.
I photograph myself nude all the time.  I am unafraid to show those images because as an artist, I can see that they are beautiful and interesting.
I love this body... but I am also afraid to.  Afraid that if I become comfortable and happy in my skin I will become complacent.  That I will get fat and lazy and ugly and not know because I'm happy.
Ok.  How sad and sick is that?
I have DAUGHTERS.  I have a responsibility to treat my self image with joy.  Not disgust.
It's time to change.  It's time to walk confidently in my skin.  I'm ready, even if every day I have to remind myself to push out the cruel thoughts and replace with kind.
It is time.

Friday, April 20, 2012

 The Today Show:(is on tv at the Y)
This morning had a show on how to be green.  Well, that's great... I mean who doesn't need suggestions for that?  I'm working out on the eliptical and I turn off my headphones and watch.
1. Adorable bangle bracelets made of Mango trees from Thailand!
2. Organic Toms!
3. bikinis made of recycled bottles!
4. more bracelets, this time made of hemp!
ooo ooo ooo!  So green!

Well, for Fuck's sake.  You have got to be kidding me.

Now I'm no perfect green mama, but I'm pretty sure the online ordering, packaging and shipping that would be entailed for those MangoTree bracelets negates the "greeness " of the mango trees.

Today Show, how about you actually give us some GOOD and USEFUL hints.
For instance, cook meals from scratch, don't tell me you don't have time, you do.
Buy non petroleum based laundry soap.  It's easy and yes, a little more expensive... but less $ than those hemp bracelets.
Don't buy all your clothes new.  There is no point.  Hit goodwill, consignment shops, etc... cheaper and reusing.
Cloth diapers.  Reusable water bottles.  Public transportation.  One car family.  Bicycle.  Smaller house.  Not poisons on your lawn.  Local grocery shopping.  Local shopping in general.  No big box stores. Garden. I mean... these are couple of things.  Turn off your lights, turn down the heat and up the AC (like do you enjoy your house at 68 degrees, really?  EW).
Ok  I know I sound pissy and snobby.  Lets make something clear... I could do so much more than I do... BUT...
going green is NOT about buying.  It's about changing the way we think... baby steps in what we have and do already.

Ok  Rant over.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

'I can't support my own family. I never have been able to. There are so many of you. But You're all so delicious."

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Because I'm thinking of you

So this week I'm remembering the 1987 Pan Am games... An absolutely terrible year for my mom, sister, brother and I.  It makes me think of this. 
(Hey, don't knock Taylor Swift, this song rocks.)

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

I will tell you, there are many days that my life is so blissful, so content, challenging, yet wonderful -- that I can hardly believe my luck.  Days when I don't mind the struggles, or I am proud of them.  they way we have build a life of love and joy when we could have chosen bitterness.
Sometimes I look at these 5 kids and I'm so goddamn grateful I can't stand it.

(see, don't we look sweet and blissful?)

This is not one of those days.  This is one of those days that I pretty sure I raising serial killers. Today and yesterday, for that matter, I can't figure out what in fucking Hell I'm doing wrong that they scream and whine at me instead of talking.  Why they beat their siblings over the head with train tracks.  And they don't care.
WHY no matter if I plead or bribe or speak sweetly, they only way to get them to help out is to get mad. (okay, thats not always true, but IT FEELS THAT WAY TODAY).
I try to be a good mother, I do.  And there is simply no way I can't feel responsible.  I'm the one who teaches them right and wrong.  I am the one who is suppose to help them learn to be kind, thoughtful members of society, instead of entitled little brats.  But today (and yesterday) al I can see is how I'm failing at it.
Seriously, they are devils. They are mean and heartless and LOUD .  So LOUD I can't stand it.  They make mess after mess after mess. They whine whine whine.
I do love them  I am grateful for my life.  But today, I'm just fed the fuck up.

Ps.  I came back to this after discovering Alice and Fra had painted themselves and the sink and the floor with nailpolish, Fra had smashed all the blown eggs that Asher and Emmet had dyed and someone had crunched handfuls of crackers into my cup of water.
Right Now I really want to beat those little monsters butts.  I think if I have one redeeming quality as a parent it is that I have left room instead of of beating them.  In case you are wondering.  I spend a lot of fucking time just cleaning up.  Picking up.  I'm worn out .  I'm sad because I don't know what to do.  I'm overwhelmed.  I wish I could end this in some sort of eloquent way but I can't .  All I can see is the abject failure of me as a parent.

Friday, March 30, 2012

Today I will embrace the happiness that is work I love, a garden erupting with joy, my loud and delightful children, my adoring and patient husband, my own beautiful.  I will not give in to fear and angst.  I will revel in my life, with it's struggles because they are MINE.  They shape me and make me stronger, hopefully kinder, more tolerant, more patient.
I will focus on the greatness of today and my faith in the future.
Today will be a good day.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Can't quite keep up this week... up and down with joy and despair ...
I dislike these swings of depression and sorrow and anxiety.  Trying to hang on to the beauty and love all around me.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Anxiety is not my friend.  It leads to depression.  Feelings of fear.  Self doubt and body hate.  Feelings of acute failure.
It needs to GO AWAY.  Now.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

For those who say, I don't know how you do it. Part 1

This is how we do it. Part 1.—Its all about the food.

People ask, often.  How do we do it?  5 kids.  Small house.  One steady income… and that one is a 10-month income.
Here’s the answer.
I don’t have a freakin’ clue. 
Ok.  No entirely true.  But a lot of the time, I have no idea why we don’t all hate each other.  How we manage eat good food. How come we have so much fun. 
All of that.  I’m just not sure.
Here’s what I do know. We enjoy our food.  And. We cook a lot .  often from scratch.

  Now I know part of our ability to do that is that we have jobs that allow us  flexibility to be home and make food.  That’s pretty great.  We have a huge, ancient and awesome freezer in our basement, courtesy of  our friend Kate, who inherited it when she bought her house.  So we can make batches of things.
Staples in our house include:
Roast chicken, everyone likes it.  Most common prep is sticking it in the crock-pot for a few hours and seasoning it lightly with butter salt lemon, because of the variety of palates in house.  We often eat most of it for a dinner, but there is usually enough for Chris to take to work and we often make stock from it.  We eat with Rice we buy in big burlap bags, or potatoes or cous cous .  Add what ever fresh veggies we can steam.  Maybe applesauce.
Which leads to soups and chilies.  We do a lot of those because we can freeze extra and they are SO yummy with fresh bread and can be very healthy.  Top favs—potatoes, leek and Kale, Moroccan Lentil. 

I’m the chili maker ( Chris is the soup maker), and I mix it up… chicken, pork, veggie.
Quiches, with Chris’ piecrust and whatever we have on hand.  At least two at time so we can freeze one.

Alice having Quiche by the campfire

Plus you know, Mexican, quickie spaghetti dinners, mac and cheese… stuff like that , we aren’t perfect!  J
We have homemade pizza about once a week. 
And crepes!  We love crepes and do them breakfast style for dinner, usually with bacon and sometimes bacon AND sausages if we are feeling indulgent.  I'm the crepe maker.  Yeah, I'm awesome.
But here’s the biggest and most important staple of  our diet.  Chris makes bread.  A Lot  Almost everyday.  You can have the most boring meal in the world and add fresh bread (or biscuits, or cornbread) and man, it turns awesome.

So here’s the way we pull off fresh bread 5-7 times a week.  (By we I mean Chris makes it and we eat it.)

No-knead bread, pretty quick, pretty easy   Leave a comment
I don’t know how much flour we go through in a week in my house, but I think it’s safe to estimate 10-15 pounds. Most of it turns into fresh, tasty, free-form loaves made from the following recipe. This recipe is the result of a combination of information from many cookbooks, friends’ anecdotal information, Internet cooking sites, and a lot of time in the kitchen fiddling around until I found what worked for me. I have passed the recipe around to friends, who have had success with it. Do keep in mind that all of the baking times and temperatures, and even the ratios of the ingredients, may vary somewhat depending upon your environment. Ovens are calibrated differently, cooks use different ingredients and tools, even the particular mix of chemicals in tap or well water from region to region … all of these are variables that can affect one’s cooking. This is the recipe that works for me on an almost-daily basis; I hope that it works for you, too, but be open to making adjustments until you have The Right Recipe for you, your oven, and your family.
7 cups flour
3 cups warm water (about 100 degrees F)
1 tablespoon salt
1 tablespoon active dry yeast
Combine dry ingredients, then add water.
Stir until no dry flour remains.
Cover loosely & let stand for at least 2hrs (or until about doubled in volume).
Put in fridge (for up to almost two weeks) or…MAKE BREAD NOW!
Haul dough out of fridge.
Fill a pie pan / brownie pan with hot water and place on bottom rack of oven.
Grease a cookie sheet & sprinkle with corn meal or flour.
Sprinkle flour over surface of dough and then grab a suitable piece.
Quickly & lightly tuck edges under, turning 1/4 turn or so each time,
until you have formed a ball (15-60 seconds should do it).
Place the ball of dough (wadded-up side face-down) on the cookie sheet.
Let rise for 20 minutes, then turn oven on and set to 450F.
When oven is up to temp, add whatever finishing touches you desire*
Pop in oven, set timer for 25 minutes and go away.
Come back at timer, spin cookie sheet around 180 degrees &
set oven to 350F and timer to 25 minutes again. Go away.
Check for doneness by tapping on bottom of loaf:
-if it sounds hollow, put it on a rack until cooled completely
-otherwise,put it back in the oven for 5-10 minutes and try again
Once it’s at room temperature, ENJOY!
*NOTES (this is where I get long-winded)
FINISHING TOUCHES include (but are NOT limited to):
milk – gives a rich, soft brown finish
egg yolk + a splash of water – gives a shiny, brown finish
salt (particularly kosher)
onion bits, garlic
poppy, sesame, flax seeds
FLOUR: I use cheap, grocery store brand unbleached white, but as long as it’s some kind of white, you’re OK. you can also experiment with mixtures…I often replace 1/2 to 1 cup with whole wheat. I have also used as much as one cup of oatmeal (both quick and not-quick, but quick works better). much more than that and you have to futz around with the amount of liquid). You can use a little more or less flour…7 cups will make a dough that is pretty easy to handle, particularly when you want to make long baguettes or oval loaves instead of round ones. Much less than 7 cups and I’m swearing & flinging dough all over my kitchen, increasingly desperate to escape the sticky stuff that utterly refuses to behave. Much more than 7 cups and it makes a pretty dry loaf that must be eaten the same day or it turns to stone. So I usually use 7 cups of flour, but your mileage may vary.
That said, when you dump in the flour you can be a little bit loose w/measuring. This is not one of those hyper-precise “scrape off the extra with the back of a knife” kind of things. I do take care to make piles in the container, though, so I don’t lose count of how much is in there. An entire cup over or under will ruin your bread-baking day.
WATER: by “warm” they mean roughly 100-105 deg fahrenheit … it should feel almost hot on your wrist, but not quite. I used a thermometer the first ten times or so, now I can adjust the tap and get it close enough.
Too hot & you kill the yeast, too cold and it takes about an eon for the yeast to wake up and bubble (though it will, eventually…I have had dough rise for 12 hours because of having used water that was too cool).
SALT: I use kosher usually, but have used regular ol’ table salt to good effect, too. you can vary the amount a bit, but I almost always use a tablespoon per batch. Too much salt & the yeast dies, too little & the bread lacks some flavor and the yeast goes nuts and tries to take over your house. I’d recommend not going over/under by more than 1/2 tablespoon.
YEAST: I buy the little jars of it…they last a lot longer than the 3-pack envelopes. If you are using the envelopes, one packet is about 2-1/4 teaspoons, which is close enough (3 tea = 1 table, when it comes to spoons). You can use as little as one teaspoon…takes all afternoon to do the initial rise, but it works fine….I do this when I’m short on yeast and/or long on time.
CONTAINER: get a big tupperware or something. by big, I’m talking bigger than you’d take for your lunch. Mine happens to be a 19-cup (4.5 liter, says on the bottom, I checked) square monster (square fits the fridge well) for which we lost the lid long ago. I use foil to cover it. you need to be able to cover it loosely so it won’t dry out and so it won’t build up pressure. If you have something with a lid, just leave a corner or edge popped up & you’re good to go.
MISCELLANEOUS / THE PROCESS IN MORE DETAIL (in other words, still more long-winded):
first, add the yeast & salt, in either order, then mix the dry ingredients together.
then, add the water. stir for a few minutes, until it’s all incorporated. it will become very gooey, dough-y, and look all wrong if you’ve ever made regular, kneaded bread. It’s OK. really.
put the cover on (if you’re using foil, put it on as tightly as you want, it won’t explode. if you’re using a real lid, leave a crack somewhere).
set the whole mess on the counter for about 2 hours…or til it’s about doubled in volume. in the winter it takes longer since the kitchen’s colder. sometimes it’s done in one hour in the summer. no worries, you’ll get the hang of it by about batch # 5. I have left it for 4-5 hours and it still turned out OK in the end, though the entire container was filled and the foil beginning to lift off of the container. it’s all good. mostly, look for about doubling in size.
after the initial rise, you have two options:
stick it in the fridge for as long as about 10 days
tear some off & make bread
the sooner you use it, the lighter & more tender it will be
the longer you wait, the more of a [faint, but nice] sourdough-y flavor you’ll get. Over time, it will get progressively [a little more] chewy. but because it’s no-knead, it will always be pretty tender, never tough-and-chewy.
You will be able to get 2-4 loaves per batch, depending on what you’re after. you might start out using 1/4th of the dough at a time because it’s a little challenging to handle until you get the hang of it.
whenever you decide to make bread, here’s what you do…
grease a baking sheet. I use butter, spray stuff, whatever’s around. olive oil works really well for me.
sprinkle corn meal (or flour, but corn meal works much better) on the cookie sheet and set aside.
haul out the container of dough & set on the counter, lid off.
get a spare cake/brownie/pie pan & fill with screaming hot tap water. put this anywhere in your oven that won’t interfere with your baking sheet.
barely warm your oven. I turn on the light, then set it to the lowest temp (170 on mine), set the timer for 1 minute, then turn off the oven. just trying to get a consistent temp for the rising….your settings may vary, and that’s ok…just get into a habit and stick to it. I leave the light on until I pull the risen dough out.
during the one-minute oven run, I get out my flour and liberally sprinkle it on the section of dough I’m going to pull out. this stuff is sticky!…get the flour all the way to the edges and a little past the line where you’re going to divide it. don’t be shy about it, you don’t want to be able to see any bare dough in your target area. bare dough = sticky goop all over your hands.
AFTER turning off the oven, use your well-floured hands to grab some dough.
form it into a ball (check youtube for how to do this if you’re not sure…some great tutorials there. The less time you handle it the better…you don’t want this stuff to start getting sticky on you, it WILL kick your ass. with [a little] practice, you will be able to make a nice ball out of the stuff in about 15-30 seconds.
plop your ball down in the middle of the cookie sheet (gently), with the wadded-up side down.
put a tea towel / miscellaneous kitchen cloth over the whole works & stick in the oven to rise. double-check that your oven’s TURNED OFF!
set timer for 20-30 mins (less in summer, more in winter), go away and let it rise. at the timer, take the baking sheet out and set on the counter. it won’t rise as much as kneaded bread does, and often spreads out some…not to worry, it will rise like mad in the oven.
preheat oven to 450. leave the pan of water in there.
when the oven beeps to tell you it’s at temp, take the towel off the dough, brush on some milk or egg yolk, sprinkle on some salt / poppy seeds / sesame seeds / whatever you fancy.
egg holds on better to whatever you’re sprinkling. If you use egg yolk, add a teaspoon or two of water to thin it.
slash the dough (or it will split somewhere randomly…which makes for a tasty but less pretty loaf). I have never been able to slash this stuff with a knife well…either my knives suck or the dough’s too soft and goopy…so I use kitchen scissors and snip straight down. 3-4 slashes (or snips, in my case), about 1/2-inch deep will probably do fine. or two slashes in an ‘X’ … that looks pretty, too. Slashes should go to pretty near the edges…within about an inch.
stick the sucker in the oven. be quick, because you’re gonna be hit with a massive amount of steam from the pan of water you put in there. keep your head back and squint.
set timer for 25 mins & go away. don’t open the door! even tho it’s tempting. don’t do it. The steam is what makes the nice crust.
at the bell, you get to see it. open the oven & give the baking sheet a 180 so your bread will cook evenly.
close the oven & set the timer for another 25 mins and turn the heat down to 350. go away again.
at the bell, haul it out, flip it over and tap it on the bottom with your finger: if it sounds hollow, it’s done … if not, stick it back in for 10 mins & repeat. I have accidentally left these loaves in the oven for over an hour AT 450 and they still work fine … a little browner than usual and you gotta eat ‘em in a day because they’re a little dry. point being: don’t worry that you’re going to over-cook it if you guess wrong and have it in there for 10 mins “too long.” once in awhile I have to put a loaf back in 2 or 3 times. S’OK.
when done, put on a rack to cool completely. if you cut it while still really really warm, you’d better eat it all right then and there, or it will dry out by morning. Otherwise … you’ve got fresh bread, possibly in less time than it will take to read all of this!
you can add just about anything to the basic recipe to modify your breads. I often add one egg (no more than 3), or 1/4-1/2 cup olive oil, or use some milk + some water as long as total liquid is pretty close to 3 cups.
Egg[s] will add a slightly yellow color + more springy bread + nice flavor. Milk adds flavor & increases tenderness, oil makes for a soft & chewy bread with nice flavor.
Up to 3-4 tablespoons sugar works, too (but beware the rising…it will speed up). Sugar/molasses/honey will give a slightly darker, crunchier crust because of the sugar on the surface carmelizing as it cooks.
If you add eggs / oil in addition to 3 cups of water, you may have to add some flour (1/4 cup or so at a time) to soak up the additional liquid.
I began with Google, looking for advice for novice bakers, and ended up discovering the world of no-knead breads. One of the best references on the topic is Artisan Bread in Five Minutes a Day (though their specific method doesn’t work reliably for me (or my oven, perhaps)). The book is filled with gorgeous photographs and tons of helpful information. You will find all sorts of tips, video tutorials, and great pictures on their site.
Also, google “New York Times no-knead bread” and you’ll find some more info about this kind of recipe. Theirs is not as easy, though, IMHO. But still useful.
Fanny Farmer — my edition is about 30 years old; any will do. This is an excellent reference for all sorts of American cooking, and the baking section is filled with useful tips & tricks.
Beard on Bread — another fantastic reference, by a master of bread baking. While a bit off the subject of yeast breads, his baking powder biscuit recipe is unparalleled. They are demanded in my house, and frequently.

making pie dough

green pop overs for St Paddy's day

And well, we try-, try- to enjoy the little things.  Including cheap wine.

You can do Anything.
But not Everything.

-David Allen

Dear Self,
 A reminder.
With love and tolerance,

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Wednesday Images

“And she finds it difficult to believe -- that a person would love her even when she isn't trying. Trying to figure out what other people need, trying to be worthy.” 
 Margaret Atwood

Sunday, March 18, 2012


I have neglected this blog.  But hey... its SPRING!!  it means this...

treasures on my kitchen sill 

St Patrick's day party that is our special friend, Teagan's birthday, too!

Bare, happy, dirty feet

insane warm weather.  I know, maybe it's wrong.  But I love it.  We are gardening and cooking and major yard work and happy happy.
And Grandma brought over ice cream.

my curious children love finding snails and rolly polys and worms...

and there are girl scout cookies.

and camp fires in the pit

Chris made amazing kale and leek and potato soup.

And to top it all off... 
we have planted three blueberry bushes, 4 evergreens, strawberries, kale, spinich, lettuce, carrots, 
cleaned the basement, shed, and porches...
full of gratitude .

Thursday, March 8, 2012

I love rain.

I do.  Love it.  The colors and the sound and the whole thing.  Everyone knows this about me.  Just like they know I hate the sun in the winter.  yeah, yeah-- I need Vit D.  Whatever.  The winter sun is down right ugly.  Harsh.  Bright.  White.  ICK.  So I like overcast winter days.
Don't get me wrong.  I love sun.  Spring , summer, fall... love the sun.  But I also love rain.


Frustrating morning.  Broken glass, juice on the floor, lost items.  And a 9:20 yoga class I'm desperate to get to. And its pouring,  sheets of rain.  So I get them out the door with time to spare.  I don't yell or cry.  Its all good and I'm trying, just trying to be patient while Fra is obstinate and slow and I'm standing in the rain ... but for fuck's sake.

Me:  Fra, darn it. Get in the damn car, I'm getting soaked.
Fra:  (smirking) But you LIKE the rain.

Touche , kid, touche.

wednesday Images

yeah yeah yeah.  I know.  Its Thursday.  Man, I got FIVE kids.  I'm just not always timely.

Patrick.  World's biggest case of mamaitis.

Monday, March 5, 2012

The idea of learning to forgive yourself, well, its pretty trendy right now.  Not saying it is isn't valid, its just all over the place and sometimes for me that translates into new age-y woowoowoo.
But I had this conversation with Chris the other night and in the middle of it I was struck, just struck by the amount of loathing and disgust I had with myself for my failures.
And  have plenty.
Oh yes, I have lots and lots of good.  Sure.  I'm kind and sometimes patient, etc, etc... buuuut.  I'm afraid can be just heartless.  Or more importantly-- I have been heartless.  Chris would argue, my friends would argue, my doctors would argue.  They would remind that somewhere after Emmet was born(81/2) years ago, my PPD exploded into full fledged depression and anxiety disorder.  They would remind me that I was coping the best I could.
Yeah.  I know.
But what I remember is yelling at the kids.  Not being able to leave the house. Utterly overwhelmed.  Crying.  And crying.  And crying.  Especially at the end of the day when my failures were painfully clear.
I know that drugs have helped and and, well, Im REALLY ok with that.  I know I needed help.  I know that 5 kids and no money would drive anyone over the edge. Let alone the madness that was chemical makeup.
I still hate the way I was.   I can't quite forgive myself for  not being stronger.  Kinder.  Better.
 I am now.  I know.  And now is really what matters.
But it would be nice to jump on the trendy bandwagon.  And forgive myself.

sunday Grats (one day late)

10 things making me happy right now. Lots of gratitude.

1. tax check came.  bills caught up.  money plan in place.
2.  LOVE my work.  so very lucky.
3. Pansies are for sale.  gonna get some this week.
4. yoga.  I LOVE yoga
5. my legs are not skinny, but damn, they are strong.
6. cupboards full of good food.
7. we will have internet again tomorrow!
8. made enough money to buy my new lens.  woo hoo!
9. The Y.  preschool, yoga, workouts, rec room.  all the good stuff.
10.  book family camping vacation at Sleeping Bear... for a week!!

Monday, February 27, 2012

so I should be posting the Sunday Grats...

So I should be posting grats.  But man, I gotta bitch for a sec.
My internet is off.  My phone is turned off.  My tax check came in, buuuut-- because it was so big they held it for 5 days.  Well, for fuck's sake.

I'm working like mad, to get us caught up.  Chris is working like mad, to get us caught up.  Sigh.  Money in, money out. We have a motto for the year.  NMP.  No more poor.  We text it to each other when things are rough.  That is when we can text.  
Man, I am so tired of this.  Yes, things are getting better.  Slowly.  But I had to get it off my chest.

So enough bitching.  Heres what I'm grateful for.

Plus.  Lots, lots more.