Thursday, March 8, 2012

I love rain.

I do.  Love it.  The colors and the sound and the whole thing.  Everyone knows this about me.  Just like they know I hate the sun in the winter.  yeah, yeah-- I need Vit D.  Whatever.  The winter sun is down right ugly.  Harsh.  Bright.  White.  ICK.  So I like overcast winter days.
Don't get me wrong.  I love sun.  Spring , summer, fall... love the sun.  But I also love rain.


Frustrating morning.  Broken glass, juice on the floor, lost items.  And a 9:20 yoga class I'm desperate to get to. And its pouring,  sheets of rain.  So I get them out the door with time to spare.  I don't yell or cry.  Its all good and I'm trying, just trying to be patient while Fra is obstinate and slow and I'm standing in the rain ... but for fuck's sake.

Me:  Fra, darn it. Get in the damn car, I'm getting soaked.
Fra:  (smirking) But you LIKE the rain.

Touche , kid, touche.

wednesday Images

yeah yeah yeah.  I know.  Its Thursday.  Man, I got FIVE kids.  I'm just not always timely.

Patrick.  World's biggest case of mamaitis.

Monday, March 5, 2012

The idea of learning to forgive yourself, well, its pretty trendy right now.  Not saying it is isn't valid, its just all over the place and sometimes for me that translates into new age-y woowoowoo.
But I had this conversation with Chris the other night and in the middle of it I was struck, just struck by the amount of loathing and disgust I had with myself for my failures.
And  have plenty.
Oh yes, I have lots and lots of good.  Sure.  I'm kind and sometimes patient, etc, etc... buuuut.  I'm afraid can be just heartless.  Or more importantly-- I have been heartless.  Chris would argue, my friends would argue, my doctors would argue.  They would remind that somewhere after Emmet was born(81/2) years ago, my PPD exploded into full fledged depression and anxiety disorder.  They would remind me that I was coping the best I could.
Yeah.  I know.
But what I remember is yelling at the kids.  Not being able to leave the house. Utterly overwhelmed.  Crying.  And crying.  And crying.  Especially at the end of the day when my failures were painfully clear.
I know that drugs have helped and and, well, Im REALLY ok with that.  I know I needed help.  I know that 5 kids and no money would drive anyone over the edge. Let alone the madness that was chemical makeup.
I still hate the way I was.   I can't quite forgive myself for  not being stronger.  Kinder.  Better.
 I am now.  I know.  And now is really what matters.
But it would be nice to jump on the trendy bandwagon.  And forgive myself.

sunday Grats (one day late)

10 things making me happy right now. Lots of gratitude.

1. tax check came.  bills caught up.  money plan in place.
2.  LOVE my work.  so very lucky.
3. Pansies are for sale.  gonna get some this week.
4. yoga.  I LOVE yoga
5. my legs are not skinny, but damn, they are strong.
6. cupboards full of good food.
7. we will have internet again tomorrow!
8. made enough money to buy my new lens.  woo hoo!
9. The Y.  preschool, yoga, workouts, rec room.  all the good stuff.
10.  book family camping vacation at Sleeping Bear... for a week!!